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the Supreme Commander vetoes them, since it is *his* group):

   1. Thou shalt not lurk (except in lurker threads)! 
   2. Thou shalt not bare false witness against mooses. 
   3. Thou shalt drink kokanee. Lotsa a kokanees. And then write moose
      poetry. 
   4. Thou shalt hate thy flamer, and hate him/her well! 
   5. Thou shalt only worship the one true Supreme Commander, get out
      when he says, and *stay* out. 
   6. Thou shalt hate ASH-heathens, *really* hate ASH- heathens. Maybe
      even more than flamers. 
   7. Thou shalt recite the Official Bigfoot National Anthem daily. 
   8. Thou shalt worship the alt dot bigfoot FAQ, as the one true gospel.
   9. Thou shalt not send get well cards to sys-admins under any
      circumstances. Handle it yourself. Think ! Use that noggin' that
      bigfoot gave you !! (Mail bombs and hate email are also un-moose
      like). 
  10. If ya can't take the heat, go to alt dot flame, do not collect 200
      Thigh-Masters. 

Q16. Has anyone on this newsgroup ever seen bigfoot?

I am about to tell you of the wonderful and enchanting events which
befell me on my expedition the past 2 days which will forever alter how I
view this crazy topsy-turvey buttery thing called life.

It all started on Thursday morning around 8:00 am. I jumped in my car and
headed out on I-70 in search of Bigfoot. I didn't have to travel far
before I found him. I stopped at the Village Tavern outside of Falls
City, Indiana for a bite to eat. That is where I smelled the inexplicable
stench. I guess the best I can do is to say it smelled like something
which had gone rotten months ago. Like a road kill but worse...MR Alex's
cage?

I ventured out into the nearby woods.. this is where I saw the most
amazing sight in my life.. It was even more amazing than I had ever
imagined. It was tall and fat and hairy... It was Bigfoot!

It has been said that all good relationships start with quiet
observation...actually I just made that up, does it sound stupid? :) This
exact same strategy worked for me w/ a monkey at the zoo.

"Aaaarrrgggh!!!! Ouch!"

I soon realized that maybe I should change my strategy.. Bigfoot grabbed
my MAG-LITE and smashed me on the head with it... Unlike the Three
Stooges, I didn't hear a cute little clank sound, and it hurt like hell.
I retreated in search of another strategy..

I caught up to Bigfoot a few hours later by the river.. It was time for
the heavy artillery.. QUESTIONS..

"What size shoe do you wear?"
"When were roads invented?"
"How much are bananas?"
"How many days are in September?"
"Who's Neil Sedaka?"

This strategy didn't seem to work very well... I came to the conclusion
that if I were ever to be accepted into this wonderful subculture of
hairy people who walk through the woods and stink, that I must act like
them, talk like them, look like them... and yes.. eventually SMELL like
them.

I followed them back to their camp where other bigfoots were sitting
around the fire talking about the days events. No matter what I tried
they just ignored me.

After doing the "twist" for three hours straight to an unreceptive
audience I felt pretty tired. I always found Mom's advice useful... that
if you feel tired no matter where you are, lay down and go to sleep (This
always proved to be good advice except for the time I was arrested at the
bus stop). So I stretched out infront of the fire and closed my eyes.

It was at this point where a particular incident occured which was the
turning point of my entire journey.. This event can be summed up in 4
sweet words..

"BIGFOOT STEPPED ON ME".. and did it hurt!

I winced in pain! At that point, Bigfoot picked me up, brushed me off,
and set me back down. He patted me on the back and gave me a reassuring
look. FINALLY! A nugget of approval! They were starting to accept me! I
think I was even starting to STINK a little!

Little did I know it but..I was about to learn all the rules and rituals
of a culture so secret that even Robert Stack can't find it.

The first thing Bigfoot and friends taught me was how to act like a wild
uncontrollable beast in front of all the hillbillies who pass through
their camp for no particular reason. This proved to be pretty easy..

They then showed me ho they avoid getting filmed by camera or video. This
is a very delicate procedure involving floss and latex.

My FAVORITE thing they showed me was of their different culinary
delights! I never knew it, but the woods are literally crawling with
food! Dirt, natures perfect food.. so many minerals like iron, zinc,
styrafoam... I even tried sticks.. an old Navaho snack treat dating back
to the early 19th century.. it's what the Clark Bar is based on.

The last night I spent there, sitting around the camp fire I told him of
our plight on alt.bigfoot. He promised me he would be present to help
save us! Maybe not in pen but in spirit! This was the answer I was
looking for!

I accepted that fact that there are certain questions of mine that should
go left unanswered like..

Where does meat come from?
How do fish breathe?
Whats the square root of 9?
I knew he would be able to answer these but I didn't need to irritate him
more than I had to.

The next morning I went back to my car and headed home.. The journey, cut
short, fulfilled my wildest expectations.

Q17. Who is Bigfoot's mother? Does Bigfoot have health insurance?

We can't be sure, but the word on the street (and in the forest) is that
Kate Smith gave birth to Bigfoot. We also have reason to believe Bigfoot
is insured by Blue Shield. 

Q18. Does Bigfoot Have a Son? 

I know all about this story. Katie Martin met bigfoot in a cafe in Paris
- I think it was north-east of the Louvre way out by the Hoche metro
station. There was a strong physical attraction! Katie wanted to see
Pigalle at night, but was afraid of going there alone. Bigfoot offered to
show her the sights of this area. This is when they fell in love!

The Parisians all stared at bigfoot, in disbelief, as the two walked
together. It wasn't until bigfoot asked, "Savez-vous ou est le
McDonalds?" that they accepted him as just another North American tourist
wearing white sneakers and a ski jacket.

Sadly, however, Katie did not give birth to the child of bigfoot. That
part of the story is nothing more than a *hoax*. For the last few years,
she has been gluing synthetic fur onto her child conceived in a fling in
the tiny town of Cooktown, north of Cairns, Australia. She wanted society
to believe that bigfoot was the father, rather than the Ozzy bartender in
the town's bar/bottle-shop, so that she could get a cut of the
land-rights of the true native peoples of North America - bigfoots. My
the year 2050, bigfoots will own half of the continent after long,
expensive legal battles!

Q19. What about those stupid Pizza Hut ads? Can't anything be done 
     to prevent embarrassment to bigfoot? 

I just thought of something. Was watching Wheel of Fortune tonight when
on came an ad for Bigfoot Pizza, and then I realized Pizza Hut is not
paying tribute to our newsgroup. Perhaps it wouldn't be necessary for SC
to *decrease* our taxes if Pizza Hut were to ante up its fair share --
about 43 Billion dollars, to be split amongst the members of alt.bigfoot.
(40 billion for me, and 3 billion for the rest of you) I think it's
obvious that Pizza Hut is cashing in on the fame and spotless image
created by those who post regularly to alt.bigfoot.

Because 40 bil. isn't enough money to keep up the standard of living to
which I've always dreamed, we will also need to file a bigfoot class
action suit against Pizza Hut. You see, the image representing bigfoot is
deameaning to bigfoots, as Luke will no doubt attest. (back me up Luke)
It is, in fact, a bigoted portrayal of the bigfoot and denies the
significant cultural contributions made by the bigfoot to our American
way of life. I personally have talked to many talented bigfoots who have
been denied successful careers in politics, used car sales, and law
because of the ignorant, stereotypical, and hate filled portrayal of
bigfoot by Pizza Hut. In one particularly blatant example, a talented
bigfoot was forced to wear a chicken, weiner-dog, and road-kill disguise
just to get what every red-blooded American has come to expect as his or
her God-given right, cable-TV.

It's not the money; it's the principle of the thing. I want to get rich
quickly off of corporate America. Scratch that, I want to help protect
the bigfoot, a peace-loving creature who has contribued unselfishly to
this country, who is unable to protect itself, and who wants only to
watch Nick at night. 

Q20. I want to keep up in these changing times!
     What trends should I expect in 1994?

As the new year rolls in, lets take a look at some current Bigfoot
trends..

IN                    OUT
 
alt.flame             ASH
Shirt sigs            ASCII drawings
Nova                  Dodge
Kokanee               Pabst Blue Ribbon
Supreme Commander     Barbara Abernasty
Parades               Invasions
Poems                 Flames
Intellect             Stupidity

Q21. Are Mooses well versed in the arts?

What St. Bob didn't explain was that bigfoots and moose are experts in
all types of art: dance, fine arts, the martial arts ...

Yes, Bigfootdamus perfected the art of BIG-FOOT-DO and used that
knowledge to inform his analysis of other arts. In fact, it was
Bigfootdamus himself who taught David Carridiene everything he knew for
the popular television show "Kung Fu". And if you ever looked at how
hairy Chuck Norris is, you'd instantly recognize he has a little bigfoot
in his blood, which makes him such a formidible fighter. Steven Segal on
the other hand is the anti-bigfoot, which is why he's such a weenie and
why he acts so poorly, both on and off screen. If I were you
Weasel-greaser (and I'm glad I'm not) I'd pray to the Spirit of the Moose
and ask him to forgive your blasphemy. }:)- Then maybe, and that's a big
*maybe*, you will be spared from the wrath of Terminator Bigfoot.

You have been warned. 

Q22. What else should I know about mooses? 

One interesting fact is that a bull MOOSE's antlers are shaped to funnel
sound directly into his ear making his hearing much better while he has
his full rack.

Another is that the MOOSE has panoramic vision. While he/she cannot see
much on the vertical plane without raising or lowering his/her head just
by turning the head from side to side the MOOSE's blind spot is limited
only to below and directly behind his/her body. 

Q23. I heard of alt.bigfoot's rousing victory over
     alt.flame! What happened in this glorious war? 

Alt.Flame (pathetic and weak) vs. Alt dot Bigfoot (strong and free)

In early December, a lurking heathen known by the name of Gerard Vos
either says something inflamatory or cross-posts an inflamatory remark.
Farleymeister attacks in a moose-like-rage. The initial thread was aptly
named "Bigfoot!" !

Net vermin such as Net Monkey (aka Mark Weaselmeyer), by- pass lax alt
dot bigfoot security. (The security company is axed a short while later).
Bigfoot forces unite and begin to goad the enemy into attacking. The ploy
works. SC is heard to remark in the fray: "Net Monkey is soooooo
stooooopid".

Jeff Antebi suggests an alt dot flame moose poem writing contest. Count
Bulldog is so happy he writes a moose poem. Alt dot flame forces show
their total lack of grey matter by producing no good moose poems.

The initial wave of alt dot flame heathen is battled back handily. Then,
Babs Abernathy, after being used and tossed aside by Count Bulldog, runs
headlong into "The Return of Merlin Bigfoot".

Meanwhile, Hooten_II, is still trying to determine whether he is friend
or foe. Hooten_II issues the prophetic words "I won't join alt.bigfoot
until Merlin returns anyway". Merlin returns. Merlin kills Hooten_II.
What transpires between Merlin and Babs is unclear, but in the end,
Merlin shows Babs a reflection of herself, and she is terminated. Merlin
is injured (slightly) in the altercation. Hooten_III appears. He is
Bigfoot material. Alt dot bigfoot, being wise and compassionate, decides
that Hooten_III doesn't have to pay for the sins of his forefathers.
Hooten_III fights valiantly. More importantly, Hooten_III writes a good
moose poem.

UQA battles j.Spencer. Flattens him. UQA battles Carey Gagnon, decides
that Carey is no match, and battles his nurse instead. Nurse turns out to
be a better foe.

Throughout the war, St. Bob fights with saintlyness and compassion,
unless he finds out that his foe owns a cat.

Farleymeister battles on both fronts. He apologizes for having a hand in
starting the initial skirmish. No apology was necessary. The foot is full
of mercenaries, but we don't do it for money, we do it for *fun*.

SC battles from atop his Grumpy-Moose^(tm). Barks out orders which are
faithfully carried out by the bigfoot troops. He laughs at the ineptitude
and disorganization of the flame forces.

Luke fights fearlessly on both alt dot flame and alt dot bigfoot. Luke is
heard to say (to a nameless flamable type): "why don't you just do us all
a favor and fill out your organ donor card and then promptly kill
yourself". The sound of laughter and taunting is heard throughout alt dot
bigfoot, (and even as far away as alt dot suicide dot holidays). The
thread ends. No-one can top that. Alt dot flame begins to retreat.

About this time, SC notices that Mooses Snort when they are really mad,
and initiates Operation Moose Snort, with an initial funding of 3.4 M
Thigh-Masters^(tm). Issuing of contracts is handled by Count Bulldog.
Everyone is paid well for contributing one-liners.

The one liner war had a number of stages: 

v.1:
   a small shell and awk script to automatically change the headers to
   point to alt.flame, randomly change followups, etc. To unleash hit 'f'
   key in response to heathen flame post. 
v.2:
   a small script to post N new articles from the oneliner file
   (randomly) on alt dot flame. I got tired of hitting 'f'. These weren't
   replies and the "name" was always "Count Bulldog". Key sequence to
   initiate: oms. 
v.3:
   v.1 with random names such as "Mark Weaselmeyer", "Cory Gagnon",
   "Paula Freewoman", "Barbed Abernathy", etc.... This was the most
   effective. Initiated with the 'f' key as in v.1. 
v.4:
   [Not unleashed yet]. v.3 + "N" random one-liner follow-ups. (A meld of
   v.2 and v.3). 

OMS is of course successful, and wound down for humanitarian reasons.

A lurker by the name of --C shows up. He had previously been ejected from
the domain of bigfoot but fights valiantly against the scarey ganglion
nonetheless.

The mop up crew is sent in to handle any left over land mines, or
flammable snipers.

About this time, a plan is hatched in the feeble mind of Bulldog. He
thinks that maybe by being nice, they will get bored and leave once and
for all. This (albeit disgusting) tactic is tried for a week, but the
tactic is just to devious. It again is wound down for humanitarian
reasons.

Then (for some unknown reason), Merlin and Bulldog re-enter alt dot
flame, and kick more butt. More flamers come over to alt dot bigfoot.
Although we are outnumbered 10 to 1, our superior technology and wit
totally dominates alt dot flame.

During the whole war, which was based on purely non-nuclear weaponry
(allthough some biological weapons were deployed), alt dot bigfoot was
sitting on their very own weapon of mass destruction, News Group Nuke...

News Group Nuke, funded by the pleasant folks of rec.pets.cats, (who
happen to despise alt.flame), automatically posted 2000+ articles to
alt.flame and alt.bigfoot in one 2 day time span. The newsreaders of the
alt dot flame folks were thoroughly jammed. Weapons of mass destruction
are sooooooooo fun !! Alt dot flame capitulated. The whining is still
being heard to this day. 

Q24. Wow! Now how do others feel about doing battle with alt.bigfoot? 

Even Lou Holtz acknowledged that alt.bigfoot is the undisputed #1 rank in
the nation when interviewed after the polling results were released. As I
remember it the interview went something like this:

Berman:
   "Coach Holtz, what's your feeling about Notre Dame being ranked behind
   Florida State in the post season national polls?" 
Holtz:
   "Well, they're *ranked* number 1, and there's nothing we can do about
   that now." 
Berman:
   "You sound like you don't agree with that ranking. Do you feel that
   the Irish deserve the number one spot?" 
Holtz: 
   "The Irish? Hell no! Let's face facts if alt.bigfoot hadn't been
   placed on suspention for extreme violence in the course of games,
   they'd have mopped the floor with the Semi-wholes or the Bighting
   Irish. Bigfoot is just that good, and no reasonable person could say
   otherwise. They destroy opponents physically, emotionally,
   psychologically, spiritually, and every other way you can think of.
   It's unnerving to see them crush teams and never break a sweat while
   creating those haunting moose poems. No, there's no question. Those
   bigfooters are alone at the top." 
Berman:
   "Do you have any plans to play Alt.Bigfoot, head-to-head, to dispute
   the issue in the future?" 
Holtz:
   "I'm not stupid, Chris! I'm responsible for these boys' future. I'm
   not going to send them anything like a congflict with bigfoot. No I'll
   take the forfeit and sleep with a clear conscious." 


Even Bobby Bowden of Florida State said:

AP:
   "Congratulations on the national championship, Coach Bowden. Any
   comments?" 
Bowden:
   "Well, I thought that Nebraska played a heck of a game. They have a
   great program over there, and they pushed us hard the whole game. It's
   a great feeling to finally win the championship, and we've been really
   lucky. We bounced back after the loss to Notre Dame, we've been able
   to stay healthy through the season, we were able to perform in the
   clutch against teams like Nebraska, and of course we didn't have to
   play bigfoot because of the suspension. Those people are unstoppable.
   It gives me the shivers just thinking about playing them." 
AP:
   "What's your opinion of the Bigfoot suspension?" 
Bowden:
   "They're way out of our league. I haven't seen anyone in the NFL that
   could seriously challenge them. I have nightmares sometimes, hearing
   those moose poems. I don't want to talk about it anymore." 


In a Sports Illustrated interview, Joe Montana said:

SI:
   "Joe, you've done so much in your career, what's left? What does Joe
   Montana have to do to make his career successful?" 
Montana:
   "I want to play for Alt.Bigfoot. I know I haven't the talent to start,
   but just to make the team would be enough for me. Everything else I've
   done has just been leading up to that goal." 
SI:
   "How do you feel about playing Bigfoot in the first round of the play-
   offs?" 
Montana:
   "I'm terrified. What idiot wouldn't be." 
SI:
   "How are you preparing for the game?" 
Montana:
   "I've been compsing some moose poems. Maybe they'll show some mercy.
   Who am I kidding? We're doomed." 

I think the unanimous opinion of the sane world is that there is only one
number one, and Alt.Bigfoot is its name. 

== end of part 1 ==


--
    Bulldog Tenacity

              A E I O moOse
              Doe Rae Me Fa So La mOose
              Ee I ee aye mooSe

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