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      had to be administered to kill the pain of fatal dehydration. .."

==17. DRIVING INTO BRIDGE SUPPORT AT 100 MPH
   Time:      Hopefully instantanious
   Available: Fast car, motorway, unprotected bridge....
   Certainty: So-so, put a couple of cans of petrol on the passenger seat to
              make it certain, & USE YOUR SEATBELT
   Notes:     Bridges are usually protected in the UK, don't know about USA.
      Avoid being thrown out of the car by using the seatbelt, and
      put petrol (in cans or just splashed about) near to the driver's
      seat just to make certain. Can be made to look accidental.

==18. SHOTGUN
   Time:      Instantanious if you are lucky
   Available: Difficult in UK, easier in USA (due to gun laws)
   Certainty: Fairly certain
   Notes:     12-gauge shotgun with 3 inch Magnum shells with #2 to #000
      buckshot. See "Bullet" for other points. This is the recommended
      way to die by firearm. Apparently the shells suggested here
      are "extreme overkill", but thats the point really... problem
      here is that its amazingly messy - who is going to pick the
      festering lumps of gore out of the carpet?  Another problem is that it
      is possible to miss your brain entirely, and just blow off your face
      instead.

==19. ENLIST (silly)
   Time:      Jan 15 '91 or other conflict
   Available: Just pop down to the local army office & sign on as a squaddie
   Certainty: Be a "hero". Life expectancy in a battle is 20 minutes
   Notes:     I don't think this is an entirely serious suggestion,
      particularly since only 10% ever see the front line, and only
      a few of those ever see combat.

   Calle: You could always get employed as a mercenary. That way
	  you'll at least see combat, improving your chances to die
	  vastly. Still, a silly method.

==20. PENCILS UP YOUR NOSE, BANG DOWN ONTO TABLE (urban legend?)
   Time:      Seconds or never
   Available: All you need is a couple of sharp pencils and a table
   Certainty: Very uncertain
   Notes:     This is a myth, I think, since the pencils would go into your
      frontal lobes, which are basically optional. This is the
      legendary "exam suicide". Fine if you want a DIY frontal-
      lobotomy rather than death!

   Calle: This is an urban legend, see the alt.folklore.urban FAQ for
	  more details. 

==21. GETTING SOMEONE TO MURDER YOU
   Time:      Depends on method used
   Available: Know any murderous psychopaths? No, not the tax people...
   Certainty: Depends on method used, & dedication of murderer
   Notes:     Forget it. Unless you contract someone to do it, the chances
      are that you are going to wake up in hospital without your
      wallet. If you do contract someone, how are you going to pay
      them? Can't take them to court for running off with your
      money and not doing the job.

==22. MAKE YOURSELF INTO AN H-BOMB (another silly one)
   Time:      Speed of light over 1/2 metre (couple of nanoseconds)
   Available: Nuke (fission OR fusion), 10 litres of heavy water
   Certainty: 100%
   Notes:     Drink the heavy water for several days, strap yourself to
      the nuke, and press the button. If you retained a couple of
      litres of the heavy water, the additional yield should be
      6 megajoules (give or take a few orders of magnitude). Note
      that heavy water is a poison, so you might not survive that
      long anyway.

   Calle: If I remember my physics correctly, there will be no reaction
	  in your body no matter how much heavy water you have
	  ingested. Not that it matters if you're sitting on an
	  exploding hydrogen bomb!

==23. MICROMACHINES/NANOCOMPUTERS (science fiction)
   Time:      years or a fraction of a second - depends how you look at it
   Available: in 50 -> 1000 years time?
   Certainty: Good assuming that the technology is developed
   Notes:     Basically, this involves a 'replicator' panel. You program it
      to replicate yourself, simplifying very slightly, with the
      exception of the urge to use this technique. After a while, you
      turn into a mindless zombie, trudging around from the exit of
      the machine to the entrance, for eternity. Strange philosophical
      implications.

   Calle: If you postulate nanomachines, why not use the deconstructor
	  kind? Take your body apart into its component molecules in
	  less than a minute... A silly method, if you hadn't guessed.

==24. SCUBA-DIVING (various fatal 'accidents')
   Time:      see notes -most are minutes/hours
   Available: scuba diving gear, nobody around
   Certainty: see notes
   Notes:     The first method is to rise 30 metres or so without releasing
      your breath. Assuming that you can do it, it should cause your
      lungs to burst. The second is the bends - stay under long enough
      for the nitrogen to dissolve (30 metres for 30 minutes). go up
      rapidly without decompression time. This is unreliable, and
      may cause brain / joint damage. The third way is Carbon Monoxide
      poisoning - fill your tank with it, and stay away from other
      divers. You will fall asleep fairly quickly. See CO in poisons
      section. The final way is oxygen poisoning - however, this means
      that you have to go very deep with an oxygen-rich mix, and
      there are problems associated with that. The advantage of these
      methods is that insurance companies / relatives will assume that
      it was an accident ('misadventure'), with the possible exception
      of the CO poisoning.
      The source of this follows: (from the net)
      "Rising 30m without exhaling will usually result in an over
      pressured lung, possible subcuteaneous emphazema, collapsed
      lung, death usually from drowning in your own blood. Rather
      painful and usually curable if you are rescued, but fair chance
      of dying if you aren't.
      Building up a high residual nitrogen time (say 30m for 30 min)
      then coming up without decompressing will get you bent fairly
      nicely. You don't feel much, but your joints tend to start
      stiffening up after half an hour. Death is very uncertain,
      coming from a stroke. Brain damage, joint damage etc are most
      likely. Pobably can be recued but some damage certain.
      Oxygen poisoning, going down 50+m until the partial pressure of
      the oxygen reaches a toxic level. Difficult to accomplish, very
      painful to get down that deep, cold pressure etc, possibility
      of nitrogen narcosis and forgetting what you are doing. Probably
      get bent, good chance of rescue.
      CO poisoning, mix a healthy batch of carbon monoxide in your
      tank as you dive, you tend to go to sleep under water, when
      combined with the above methods you have a pretty good winner,
      don't forget to forget your BCD."


==25. SUCKING YOUR BRAINS OUT (silly)
   Time:      Minutes
   Available: You'd need a Puma (TM) robot, & some other bits
   Certainty: certain, given proper programming
   Notes:     You would need an industrial robot to do this properly. Give
      it a saw attachment, a sucking tube attachment, and program
      it. Make a head restraint. When you are fixed securely into
      the restraint, start the robot's program. It will drill a hole
      in your head, and stick the tube into the hole. Program it to
      wiggle the tube back and forth so that it doesn't miss anything.
      This might work better if you put a stream of water into the
      hole as well, so that the sucking attachment doesn't just suck
      air all the time. Debugging the program could be amusing.

==26. MICROWAVES
   Time:      ?
   Available: Source of strong microwave emissions
   Certainty: ?
   Notes:     Cooking yourself. Point is to raise your core body temperature
      to fatal levels.

   Calle: Does anyone have any information on this? All that I know is
	  that standing in front of a Swedish coast surveillance radar
	  (which happens to use exactly the same wavelength as your
	  average microwave oven) is a Bad Thing. 

==27. DEHYDRATION
   Time:      a week or so?
   Available: you need to be able to stop medical help.
   Certainty: certain if your will-power stands up to it.
   Notes:     Don't eat or drink. Remember that food contains a high
      proportion of water. Avoiding medical help can be difficult.
      See 'starving to death'.

==28. SKYDIVING 'ACCIDENT'
   Time:      pretty damn quick.
   Available: need to join a skydiving club. Takes much time and money.
   Certainty: Fairly certain. People have fallen from extreme heights
	      and survived. The resulting injuries are not fun.
   Notes:     Join a skydiving club, continue to practise it for a while to
      clear off all suspicions and then once pack your parachute in
      a real mess (preferably knotted up, but not too clearly) and
      then jump. The para will not open and you will reach a terminal
      velocity of 220 km/h (160 mph/120 kn). Death is instant in the
      impact with the Planet Earth.
      This has the advantages of being 'accidental', and your family/
      friends do not have the additional pain and guilt associated
      with suicides.

   Calle: In addition to the above, you need to remove or disable your
	  reserve parachute (which is not easy, I'm told). There are
	  better "accidental" methods than this.
	  
	  A correspondent who is a skydiver dislikes this entry, since
	  if people use it it will give skydiving an undeservedly bad
	  reputation. 

==29. DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS; MODERN VERSION (silly)
   Time:      variable
   Available: a heck of a lot of razor-wire.. maybe a high-voltage supply
   Certainty: not very good
   Notes:     This is a modern variant of the Arabic 'Death of a thousand
      cuts'. Basically, jump onto a stack of unravelled razor wire,
      and roll around till you die.. it may help to connect a high-
      voltage, low current power supply to the wire, so that you have
      spasms, which should keep you getting cut even when you are
      unconscious. Also, you should make sure that you can't roll off
      the wire.

==30. CRUSHING
   Time:      seconds to minutes, depends on car press
   Available: a car press.. any good junkyard
   Certainty: certain as long as you can't escape
   Notes:     This is an elegantly simple one.. get into a car, in a car
      press, and shortly afterwards be squashed to death as your
      body is converted into a red pulp. It may be tricky getting
      the press to trigger, but if you hide in the car someone
      may come along and activate it. There are other ways of
      getting crushed, this just happens to be the most effective
      I can think up on the spur of the moment. Getting yourself
      run over by a fully loaded articulated lorry is quite good.
      You should remember that people quite often survive the actual
      crushing; they die when the weight is taken OFF them.

==31. WORLD WAR THREE
   Time:      moments if you are near a militarilly significant site
   Available: happen to be one of the 'key-holders'? president maybe?
   Certainty: pretty certain
   Notes:     All you have to do is trigger world war three. Fire an ICBM
      or three at the Chinese and the Russians... This method has
      the advantage that you take everyone else with you! Trouble
      is, the number of people with the requisite access is minimal,
      and I sort of doubt that any readers of ASH can do this.

   Calle: Lots harder since the collapse of the Soviet Union... Silly.

==32. HEATSTROKE
   Time:      4 hours or more
   Available: Very hot day; no disturbance from neighbours etc
   Certainty: depends on the weather
   Notes:     Basically, the point is to give yourself extreme heatstroke.
      You should pass out after a few hours. Use some aluminium foil
      to direct the sun's heat onto you, to speed up the process
      a bit. Try to reduce the chance of being interuppted, take off
      the phone etc. Obviously, start in the morning! Helps if the
      outside temperature is >100F.

==33. ACID BATH
   Time:      depends on acid
   Available: a lot of a very strong acid
   Certainty: fairly good
   Notes:     [from alt.suicide.holiday]
      "summer heat got you down? Try the new and improved neighbourhood
      acid bath. Most metal working plants and some auto-repair shops
      will have a nice soothing acid bath. This, of course, is for
      those of you who enjoy extreme pain and don't want to make a
      mess for others to clean up. If you don't leave a note chances
      are they will never know what happened, aside from the shop /
      plant being broken into."

==34. FAKE CAR BOMB
   Time:      milliseconds
   Available: explosive
   Certainty: fairly good if enough explosive
   Notes:     This is a modification of the basic use-explosives method. What
      you do, is make a homemade car bomb, and drive off happily after
      chatting with your neighbour about how well your life is going,
      apart from a few minor death-threats from an Iraqi death-squad..
      To confuse the authorities even more, have a note in your pocket
      listing the telephone numbers of all the eastern foreign
      embassies in your pocket, together with a little line of random
      "code numbers" next to each.., and a random but large amount of
      cash listed against each code number. :-) Oh yes, and a heavily
      annotated copy of Jane's Defence Weekly - Xhosa edition.

==35. JUMPING OFF BRIDGES (slice and dice with piano wire)
   Time:      9.87 ms-2; 4 to 10 meters; calculate it yourself!
   Available: Rope, pianowire and a high bridge.
   Certainty: Fairly certain
   Notes:     Never been tried. Can also be used with a fairly
      high building, but then the art-motive will
      disappear.
      Cut the rope and wire in various lengths. Each
      length must not be longer than the height of the
      bridge.
      Tie one end of the ropes and wires to the bridge
      Tie the other part of the ropes to different bodyparts
      like thigh, calves, torso etc.  Then tie the
      pianowires around your joints. (Don't forget your
      genitals..)
      When you jump various parts of you body are whipped
      away by the pianowire nooses, and your bits are held
      up by the ropes swaying in the breeze.
      If you to this right you should end up with just your
      torso hanging by it's neck above the sea, highway,
      ground.
      Do it with friends, and call it art.

==36. BEING EATEN ALIVE
   Time:      depends, but probably a couple of minutes
   Available: zoo, or live in Africa/wherever
   Certainty: not brilliant.. what if they're not hungry and don't finish?
   Notes:     basically, find one or more hungry carnivores... tigers
      are nice. Also, sharks, lions, any of the big cats..

==37. BEING BURNED UP IN UNPROTECTED RE-ENTRY (silly)
   Time:      probably a few minutes
   Available: if you happen to be able to get into orbit
   Certainty: about as certain as you can get!
   Notes:     Just go for a spacewalk in a low earth orbit, and decelerate
      enough to enter the atmosphere. You'll get a great view...


==38. ACQUIRED IMMUNE DEFICIENCY SYNDROME (AIDS)
   Time:      Incubation period 1 to 10 years, death within 2 years of diagnosis
              of AIDS, Can have HIV for years/decades
   Dosage:    Just one intimate contact with an Infected person of any gender
   Available: Available to all for free
   Certainty: 99.9% certainty AFTER infected
   Notes:     [2]:
      This is not painfree. This method may cost you alot of money if
      you allow others to get you medical attention. It may a little difficult
      to get infected as people who know they have it may not comply with
      your request. Could be great fun attempting to get infected depending
      upon your attitude (remember -any gender - you don't have to limit
      yourself - you're going to die, you might as well try it ;). Should be
      quite devasting to your family & close friends. You also get the
      satisfaction of leaving behind a virtual unrecognizable-as-you body !
      This also gives you the prime opportunity to point your finger at your
      dentist and say he did it for all the times you have suffered in their
      chair.  Happy dying !

   Calle: May not be so certain any more. Ten years may well be long
	  enough for someone to develop a cure. Silly, IMHO.

==39. AUTO-DECAPITATION BY CAR (added by Calle)
   Time:      Real quick
   Available: You need access to a car and a rope
   Certainty: I wouldn't trust it
   Notes:
      Comes from alt.suicide.holiday. Basic idea is to tie one end of
      the rope around your neck, tie the other end to a real solid
      object, get into the car and accelerate away as fast as the car
      can manage. When you reach the end of the rope, your head gets
      torn off. Be sure to use enough rope and fasten your seat belt.

      A posting to a.s.h. in July 1993 says that someone in Washinton
      State, USA actually used this method to commit suicide, so it
      can't be that bad. The posting said that 25 feet of rope were
      used (about 7.5 meters), which does sound a bit short. Perhaps
      he had a real awesome car.

==40. DEATH BY PAINTING YOUR BODY (very silly, and wrong)
   Dosage : Less than 1 can of paint depending on your body type
   Time   : ? Probably less than 8 hours
   Availability : Very available ! You have a choice of greasepaint or
      House paint. You need a type of paint that will not allow your
      pores to breath in order to be successful at this. You also have 
      a smashing selection of colors you can choose to die in ! Nile
      Green ? Blood Red ? Basic Black ? Or any combo you desire.. If
      you couldn't decide before what to wear to die in, this method
      will cause you considerable angst. 
   Certainty : This is a sure method, provided you have a paint that
      will block your pores from breathing. Don't forget the bottom of
      your feet. You must paint every last bit of available skin. If
      your pores can breathe, you won't die. 
   Notes : I read this in some theater journal 5 or so years ago,
      saying when you you do full body makeup, you must insure that
      parts of the body are left naked to breathe or the actor will
      die. Usually for full body makeup, they leave the bottoms of
      feet, and some patterns on the body, like lines so the actor
      doesn't suffocate.

   Calle: This is an *extremely* silly one. It was in the "not yet
      edited" portion of Mike's file, and I think it is quite straight
      from an a.s.h. posting.
      This method does not work. As you can check in most any book on
      human anatomy, the skin does not breathe. The only places in
      your body which absorbs oxygen are the lungs and the corneas,
      and the corneas only feed themselves. 
      You might get ill or even die if you use poisonous paint, though.

==PART4== Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

   The only thing I can remember that has been asked for multiple
   times, besides the File itself, are the lyrics for "Suicide Is
   Painless" (the theme from M*A*S*H). Here it is:

   "Suicide is Painless"
      Words by Mike Altman
      Music by Johnny Mandel

   Through early morning fog I see
   Visions of the things to be
   The pains that are withheld for me
   I realize and I can see that

   Chorus: Suicide is painless
           It brings on many changes
           And I can take or leave it if I please.

   I try to find a way to make
   All our little joys relate
   Without that ever-present hate
   But now I know that it's too late, and
   
   (chorus)

   The game of life is hard to play
   I'm going to lose it anyway
   The losing card I'll someday lay
   And this is all I have to say, that

   (chorus)

   The only way to win is cheat
   And lay it down before I'm beat
   And to another give a seat
   For that's the only painless feat, cause

   (chorus)

   The sword of time will pierce our skins
   It doesn't hurt when it begins
   But as it works its way on in
   The pain grows stronger - watch it grin

   (chorus)

   A brave man once requested me
   To answer questions that are key
   Is it to be or not to be?
   And I replied, "Oh why ask me?", cause

   (chorus)

   And you can do the same thing if you please.


==PART5== Notes by Calle

   At the end of Mike's file there were an entry for Nitrous Oxide. I
   have removed it, as there already is one. There were also a mail
   were someone recommended military nerve toxins. They might not be
   as certain as the originator thought, as current military thinking
   is that one griveously wounded man is worth many dead ones in
   decreasing the enemy's fighting capacity. That means that modern
   nerve gasses well might leave you paralyzed for life, but still
   living. Anyway, if you can get military stuff, why not use a rifle
   or a few kilos of explosive?

   Mike's sig were also at the bottom of the File. It follows here,
   for historic reasons:

Mail: 176 Hampstead Rd               EMail: Michael.Marsden@newcastle.ac.uk
      Benwell                        Direct SMTP Mail, Talk,
      Newcastle upon Tyne, NE4 8TP     and Finger:   n03vk@turing.ncl.ac.uk

   Unfortunately, the mail address doesn't work any more.

   Well, that's all. Comments are very welcome.

--
Calle Dybedahl,Torpareg. 94, S-583 31 Linkoeping,SWEDEN | calle@lysator.liu.se
           Maintainer of the Blake's 7 mailing list. Mail for info.

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