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soc.culture.jewish FAQ: Observance, Marriage, Women in Judaism (4/12)

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   relationship, by virtue our finite and therefore imperfect condition.
   Breaking the glass reminds us to celebrate the joys, as well as to
   overcome the moments of sadness.

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Subject: Question 8.20: Weddings: What is a Ketubah?

                                  Answer:
   
   The ketubah is a marrage contract between the husband and wife. It may
   be printed; more often, it is hand written in beautiful calligraphy
   and illuminated by a sofer, or scribe. Much of the traditional Aramaic
   text is over 2,000 years old, and the present form was fixed in the
   eighth or ninth century. The ketubah formalizes the groom's commitment
   to protect and care for the bride. The ketubah has two signatures from
   close friends or respected teachers as formal witnesses to his
   commitment.
   
   Traditionally, a ketubah is a legal lien on the husband's property
   which he gives his wife-to-be in the case of his death or their
   divorce, to ensure her maintenance and well-being. There are some
   options that a woman can negotiate. In traditional Judaism, the
   ketubah is signed by the man, read under the chupah, and given
   immediately to the woman. The ketubah belongs to the woman.
   
   In the liberal movements, the text of the Ketubah has been modified to
   be more egalitarian, and provide equal protection for both husband and
   wife. Some Ketubahs also include language to address the issue of
   husbands that refuse to provide a get, or bill of divorce, when
   requested by the wife.
   
   There is another way to view the Ketubah: think of it as the first
   prenuptual contract!

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Subject: Question 08-21 : Weddings: What are the "Seven Blessings"?

                                  Answer:
   
   The seven blessings are as follows:
   
    1. You abound in Blessings, (G-d), who creates the fruit of the vine.
    2. You abound in Blessings, (G-d), you created all things for Your
       glory.
    3. You abound in Blessings, (G-d), you created humanity.
    4. You abound in Blessings, (G-d), You made humankind in Your image,
       after Your likeness, and You prepared from us a perpetual
       relationship. You abound in Blessings, (G-d), you created
       humanity.
    5. May she who was barren. rejoice when her children are united in
       her midst in joy. You abound in Blessings, (G-d), who makes Zion
       rejoice with her children.
    6. You make these beloved companions greatly rejoice even as You
       rejoiced in Your creation in the Garden of Eden as of old. You
       abound in Blessings, (G-d), Who makes the bridegroom and bride to
       rejoice.
    7. You abound in Blessings, (G-d), who created joy and gladness,
       bridegroom and bride, mirth and exultation, pleasure and delight,
       love, fellowship, peace and friendship. Soon may there be heard in
       the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of
       joy and gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the
       bride, the jubilant voice of bridegrooms from their canopies and
       of youths from their feasts of songs. You abound in Blessings,
       (G-d), You make the bridegroom rejoice with the bride.
       
   Why seven blessing? Because of the notion of a week of creation, seven
   is associated with forming something new. The end of creation is
   introduced with the words "Vayechulu hashamayim veha'aretz, vechol
   tzeva'am... And they were completed -- the heavens, the earth, and all
   that live in them..." The word "vayechulu" (they were completed)
   shares a root with "kallah", bride. The wedding is the completion of
   the creation of the individuals entering the marriage. Note that these
   blessings are said for a week, at the wedding and at each meal for the
   first week the couple is married at which there is a minyan (quorum of
   10) attending and new people present to celebrate the wedding.
   
   Saying seven blessings for a week brings up the 7x7 motif. This is a
   common motif in Judaism. Some examples: The seven blessings for seven
   days of sheva berachot. The seven weeks of counting omer between
   Passover (the physical redemption of Israel) and Shavout (the
   revelation at Sinai). The seven sabbatical cycles -- each seven years
   -- leading up to the jubilee.

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Subject: Question 8.23 : What does Judaism say about premarital sex?

                                  Answer:
   
   The Torah typically frowns on premarital sex. Some extreme statements
   have even been made, for example, Reish Lakish has stated that even
   one who sins with his eyues may become an adulterer (Lev. Rabba 23);
   however, this never became accepted. However, this attitude led to
   many of the traditional separations between man and women, such as men
   not walking behind women, men and women being separated on festive
   occasions and in public parts, and even separate days for visiting
   cemetaries.
   
   However, this question is not focusing on the traditional separation,
   but the attitude towards premarital sex. The literature makes it clear
   that virginity for the female was prized. Intercourse with an
   unmarried girl generally fell under the concept of Zenut, which was
   prohibited. If an act of intercourse was intended as an mode of lawful
   bethrothal, it was considered to be a lawful betrothal (Mishna Kid.
   1.1). Although the act was prohibited, children born of such liaisons
   were free of any blemish, and there was no question of their legality
   (Kid. 4.1,2; Yev. 100b). Nachmanides was lenient about such illicit
   unions, and was willing to overlook them (Isaac b. Sheshet, quoting
   Nahmanides, 6, 398; also 425 and 395).
   
   What about sexual relationships between those who were engaged and
   might live together for some time. This has been prohibited by
   tradition (Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha-ezer 55.1). In early times, such
   intercourse was reported as unobjectionable in Judea, but not in the
   Galilee (Ket. 7b, Ket. 12a). As for the children, some felt they
   should be declared Mamzerim (Yev. 69b; Kid. 75a), but this view was
   never adopted.
   
   Note that the discouraging of sexual relations outside of marriage is
   a property of all Jewish movements. The Reform Responsa on the subject
   explicitly states:
   
     On the question of informal heterosexual relations outside marriage
     between two consenting single adult individuals, we can then come
     to the following conclusions. Such relationships were prohibited
     and discouraged by authorities throughout the ages. Little was done
     when such relationships took place between two engaged persons,
     except in puritanical periods. Other sexual relationships between
     single adults were prohibited, and every effort was made to enforce
     such prohibitions. These prohibitions were equally strong upon the
     man and the woman. In times of lower moral standards, authorities
     were occasionally permissive or simply looked the other way.
     Generally, the effort to enforce high moral standards succeeded,
     and the responsa call attention to the failures. In our own period
     of loose standards, it would be appropriate to do everything within
     our power to encourage higher standards for both men and women. We
     should do whatever we can to discourage casual sexual relations.

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Subject: Question 8.23 : What are some good wedding greetings?

                                  Answer:
   
   Siman Tov U'Mazel Tov
   
   Kol Sasson v'Kol Simcha, Kol Chatan v'Kol Kallah [the voice of joy and
   the voice of gladness, the voice of the groom and the voice of the
   bride]
   
   Asher Bara Sasson v'Simcha, Chatan v'Kallah, Gila Rina Ditza v'Chedva,
   Ahavah v'Achva, v'Shalom v'Re'ut. [who Created Joy and Gladness, Groom
   and Bride, (4 more expressions of gladness), love and bonding, and
   peace and partnership.]

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Subject: Question 8.24: Can a wife refuse to have marital relations with her
         husband?

                                  Answer:
   
   Halachically, a woman is not obligated to keep her husband sexually
   satisfied. Men do have such an obligation toward their wives, but not
   the reverse. Theoretically speaking, this is an incredible
   perspective, totally unlike the cultures that Jews lived amongst at
   the time. So, in biblical times, what did men do in such a situation?
   Well, until a millenium ago or so, when Rabbeinu Gershom enacted some
   new legislation, only men and abused wives had the power to initiate a
   divorce. This meant that there was no way for a woman to get out of an
   unhappy but not abusive marriage. The courts would get involved in
   various issues to guarantee her happiness, including sex. Note also
   that a women refusing marital relations can be deemed "rebellious" and
   be fined from the money due to her upon divorce, to such an extent
   that the man will eventually be able to divorce her without any
   divorce settlement at all. This balances a man's obligation, to some
   extent. Also note that, in such a case, a real-world beis din would
   typically try to get them to go to counseling.
   
   Thus, it was assumed that if a man felt that he would be happier
   without her than with her, he would divorce her. Sex is a significant
   part of that--but not the only part. Further, it was a given that if
   the marriage was otherwise happy, the actual divorce wouldn't be
   necessary--knowing that her husband was miserable enough to consider
   it would be enough to motivate a loving wife.
   
   What should you do today if you are in such a situation. Here's some
   advice:
    1. Be careful never to imply to your wife that you thinks she's off
       kilter or a chemistry set. Not having her feelings taken seriously
       is a definite turn-off.
    2. See if there is a reason why she's not interested. Is she
       overtired or overworked? Do you ever do anything romantic when sex
       is not at issue? [For example, try surprising her with flowers on
       a day that happens to be during her time of the month, and you can
       therefore resist the temptation to "cash in" on it.]
    3. Perhaps she prefers being the pursuer than the persued. Since it's
       not working anyway, you can experiment to see what would happen if
       you drop the subject for a while.
    4. Try comprimise. Solving problems by comprimise is a key ingrediant
       in a successful marriage on the intellectual level as well.
       Totally unrelated to the sexual problem, an inability to see each
       others side would be itself a problem.
    5. Consider obervance of the halachos of taharas hamishpachah (lit:
       purity of the family; i.e., the laws about sex). This would
       guarantee her that for around 12 days a month the marriage will be
       centered on the head and heart, not the gonads. Deciding to try
       these halachos may be a good framework with which to begin. It is
       interesting to note that seven of these twelve days were not part
       of G-d's original legislation, or even a rabbinic enactment.
       Rather, they are something women of the early second Temple period
       took on themselves, and only subsequently became enshrined into
       custom and law. Perhaps they speak to a need inherent in female
       sexuality.
    6. See a counselor by yourself. Often, we lack the tools to change
       what we must. Ask someone for help is like stocking your toolbox.

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Subject: Question 8.25: What should a man do if his wife leaves him for
         another man?

                                  Answer:
   
   In theory, if a wife has an affair the husband is obligated to get
   divorced. Again...in theory. In practice, we do not require the court
   to believe the evidence. However, in such a situation, lamentably,
   there is often no marriage to try to save. The wife left. The man
   ought to give her a get, a divorce writ. These can really only be
   handled by a beis din, a religious court.
   
   Note: Since a decree by Rabbeinu Gershom in the 10th century, a man
   not only must give the writ, the wife must willingly accept it. If she
   does not, the marriage is not terminated. In which case, things can
   get pretty difficult. There are ways to deal with this situation, but
   again, it really requires a beis din.

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Question 8.26: Can a Jewish woman who has not been to a mikvah get
         married in an Orthodox wedding?

                                  Answer:
   
   No. Going to the Mikvah is mandatory. A woman must go to the mikvah
   after menstruating and before intimacy (or entering the Temple, eating
   from an offering, or from tithes, in eras where those are an option).

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Question 8.27: Is it possible for a Cohanim to marry a divorced
         Jewish woman?

                                  Answer:
   
   There are two aspects to the question: permissible and possible.
   
   Such a marriage is not permissable, even if the woman has an Orthodox
   "get". In extenuating case-by-case basis, it might be possible to
   prove the previous marriage never occured (for example, if the
   witnesses were not valid). Thus, one would have to consult a rabbi to
   be sure, but in most cases, the answer is that they may not get
   married. The circumstances of the divorce don't matter either.
   
   R' Nachman of Breslov suggests that the reason is that divorce is an
   act of separation. A student of Aaron, the first kohein, is described
   as one who "loves peace, pursues peace, loves people, and brings the
   close to Torah." Bringing the anger that divorce produces into his
   home would make this quite difficult. The source of the prohibition is
   Leviticus 21:14.
   
   Another reason is that a kohein may not marry someone with a
   premarital sexual history. In practice, a rabbi may be able to bring
   up enough legitimate doubt about one's kohein status to allow the
   marriage to occur. Conservative Rabbis routinely dismiss any family's
   belief that they're kohanim when this kind of need arises. Orthodoxy
   would demand leg work and evidence, and therefore can only do this
   when there are grounds.
   
   Is it possible? Yes. Such a wedding, while prohibited, does produce a
   halachically recognized marriage. The couple are obligated to divorce.
   However, they must divorce; it's not grounds for anulling the marriage
   as never having occurred. The children of such a marriage would be
   "chalalim", and have the status of a non-kohein.
   
   In a related vein, one might ask whether Kohainim may divorce. The
   answer is yes, however, the process is made more complicated. In
   normal cases of divorce, if you regret the decision before marrying
   someone else, you can remarry. (You can't remarry your ex if you were
   married in the middle. Otherwise there'd be a huge loophole allowing
   wife-swapping via quicky divorce.) However, a kohein could never
   remarry his ex-wife, so we want to make sure no mistake is being made.

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Question 8.28: I've heard Jews can't get married on certain days.
         What are they?

                                  Answer:
   
   Jewish marriages do not take place on Shabbat, festivals or the High
   Holy Days, because "one does not mix one occasion of rejoicing with
   another." Weddings may be held on Chanukah and Purim, however, because
   they are not defined as a "simchah." Similarly, wedding are not
   traditionally held on days of public mourning either, for the
   overriding mood of such days would diminish the joy of the wedding.
   This includes Tisha B'Av, the fast of Gedaliah, the tenth of Tevet,
   the fast of Esther, the seventeenth of Tammuz,the period between
   Pesach and Shavuot, and the three weeks from the seventeenth of Tammuz
   until Tisha B'Av. The one exception is the thirty- third day in the
   Counting of the Omer (the period from Pesach through Shavuot), during
   which time weddings are permitted.
   
   This period also applies to the throwing of parties, such as
   engagement parties. However, there is an additional exception. If the
   "party" is really just a large Shabbat dinner, it is permitted,
   because public displays of morning do not take place on Shabbat. Note
   that, according to traditional thought, music should not be played
   during this period.

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Question 8.29: What is the role of the parents or the rabbi at a
         wedding?

                                  Answer:
   
   Jewish tradition has no role for the parents. In the west, we tend to
   have them walk their children down the aisle, but even having an aisle
   is a western culture thing, not a Jewish one. And the rabbi doesn't
   marry them. Marriage requires the couple and witnesses. The rabbi is
   there as "mesadeir qiddushin" (arranger of the marriage), he's there
   to insure that everyone does everything correctly.
   
   Note that one can also honor a second rabbi with reading the kesuvah,
   and six other rabbis to read the blessings. The cantor chants/sings
   the traditional greetings and often a song about Jerusalem before the
   groom breaks the glass. The couple also often honors three sets of
   winesses, having one group witness the tana'im (the contract
   specifying which family will pay for what of the wedding), one for the
   kesuvah, and one pair guarding the door to the yichud room.

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Question 8.30: How long after a spouse dies can the surviving
         partner remarry? Must they marry their spouse's younger brother?

                                  Answer:
   
   There is a law in the Torah that a childless widow who wants to marry
   her brother-in-law ought to marry him (a "leverite" marriage, or in
   Hebrew "yibum"). The child would then be named after the first
   husband. If either she or the brother refuses, they perform a ceremony
   called chalitzah, which involves his taking off his shoe and her
   spitting in it and saying "This is what is done to someone who won't
   carry on his brother's name." The definition of shoe for this law is
   quite rigorous, and the court generally has a ceremonial shoe set
   aside that fits this definition.
   
   However, no one does yibum anymore. The feeling is that modern man is
   too likely to be interested in this as quasi-incest and not enough for
   loftier motives for this to be the proper choice. In the western
   communities, chalitzah has been the preferred choice since the 10th
   century. In Sepharadic communities, and those from Moslem countries,
   it has been the choice for a little over a century or so.

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Question 8.31: What relationships are prohibited?

                                  Answer:
   
   There are a number of prohibited relationships in Judaism. The Torah
   sets forth a list, and any community cannot, by custom, violate a
   Torah prohibition. For example, a man cannot marry certain close blood
   relatives, the ex-wives of certain close blood relatives, a woman who
   has not been validly divorced from her previous husband, the daughter
   or granddaughter of his ex-wife, or the sister of his ex-wife during
   the ex-wife's lifetime. These are all enumerated in Leviticus 18.
   These include that one cannot:
     * Have sexual relations with one's mother (Leviticus 18:7).
     * Have sexual relations with one's father (Leviticus 18:7).
     * Have sexual relations with one's father's wife (Leviticus 18:8).
     * Have sexual relations with one's sister (Leviticus 18:9).
     * Have sexual relations with one's father's wife's daughter.
     * Have sexual relations with one's son's daughter (Leviticus 18:10).
     * Have sexual relations with one's daughter's daughter (Leviticus
       18:10).
     * Have sexual relations with one's daughter (this is not explicitly
       in the Torah but is inferred from other explicit commands that
       would include it).
     * Have sexual relations with one's fathers sister (Leviticus 18:12).
     * Have sexual relations with one's mother's sister (Leviticus
       18:13).
     * Have sexual relations with one's father's brothers wife (Leviticus
       18:14).
     * Have sexual relations with one's father's brother (Leviticus
       18:14).
     * Have sexual relations with one's son's wife (Leviticus 18:15).
     * Have sexual relations with one's brother's wife (Leviticus 18:16).
     * Have sexual relations with one's wife's daughter (Leviticus
       18:17).
     * Have sexual relations with the daughter of one's wife's son
       (Leviticus 18:17).
     * Have sexual relations with the daughter of one's wife's daughter
       (Leviticus 18:17).
     * Have sexual relations with one's wife's sister (Leviticus 18:18).

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Question 8.32: What is the restriction on woman to sing in public
         and infront of men?

                                  Answer:
   
   The prohibition is phrased in the Talmud as "voice, in a woman, is
   something erotic". In Aramaic, "qol be'ishah ervah" (from which comes
   the common name for the prohibition, "kol ishah") With the leading
   "be-" (in) omitted, it means "a woman's voice".
   
   The fundamental prohibition is on men--that they are not to listen to
   women sing. There is a law, though, against causing others to sin. It
   comes from the verse "Do not place a stumbling block before the
   blind." Therefore, implied in a man's prohibition against listening is
   a woman's against singing in a situation where men would be listening.
   
   However, in practice, there are leniencies. For example, it does not
   apply to immediate family members. Most rule it does not apply to
   recorded or remotely transmitted voices. Many rule it does not apply
   to sung prayer. Some rule it does not apply to group singing, only
   when a woman sings alone. Different communities have different
   practices.

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Question 8.33: What can be done if the wife refuses to sign the get
         (divorce decree)?

                                  Answer:
   
   Originally, halachah allowed for a get to be given without the wife's
   consent. Around a millenium ago the Ashkenazi community accepted a
   legislation by Rabbeinu Gershom that invalidates such gittin. Sefaradi
   acceptance of this law was more recent, but at this point it's
   universal practice.
   
   If the refusal is due to insanity, or in certain other situations, the
   husband can leave the get in the hands of a court and recieve a "heter
   mei'ah rabbanim"--a permission from 100 rabbis to marry a second wife,
   despite our community's ban on polygamy. Otherwise, one needs to go to
   the beit din and see what other pressures can be applied. Many states
   in the US (including NY and NJ) have a "get law". Under such a law,
   the state mandates that a judge take into account that one spouse is
   using religion to create a barrier to the other spouse's remarriage.
   The details of such a law vary from state to state. When speaking to
   the beit din, ask if they could put you in touch with a knowledgable
   lawyer.

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: How do I obtain copies of the FAQ?

                                  Answer:
   
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       [56]ftp://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet/news.answers/judaism/reading-lis
       ts). Note that the archived versions of the FAQ and reading lists
       are the posted versions; that is, they are each one large ASCII
       file.

------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Who Wrote the FAQ?

                                  Answer:
   
   The original version of the Frequently Asked Questions was developed
   by a committee consisting of Mike Allen, Jerry Altzman, Rabbi Charles
   Arian, Jacob Baltuch (Past Chair), Joseph Berry, Warren Burstein,
   Stewart Clamen, Daniel Faigin, Avi Feldblum, Rabbi Yaakov Feldman,
   Itzhak "Jeff" Finger, Gedaliah Friedenberg, Yechezkal Gutfreund, Art
   Kamlet, Joe Kansun, CAPT Kaye David, Alan Lustiger, Hillel Markowitz,
   Len Moskowitz, Colin Naturman, Aliza Panitz, Eliot Shimoff, Mark
   Steinberger, Steven Weintraub, Matthew Wiener, and headed by Robert
   Levene. The organization and structuring of the lists for posting
   purposes was done by [2]Daniel Faigin, who is currently maintaining
   the lists. Other contributors include Aaron Biterman, A. Engler
   Anderson, Ken Arromdee, Seymour Axelrod, Jonathan Baker, Josh Backon,
   Micha Berger, Steven M. Bergson, Eli Birnbaum, Shoshana L. Boublil,
   Kevin Brook, J. Burton, Harvey Cohen, Todd J.Dicker, Michael Dinowitz,
   Rabbi Jim Egolf, Sean Engelson, Mike Fessler, Menachem Glickman,
   Amitai Halevi, Walter Hellman, Per Hollander, Miriam Jerris, Robert D.
   Kaiser, Yosef Kazen, Rabbi Jay Lapidus, Mier Lehrer, Heather Luntz,
   David Maddison, Arnaldo Mandel, Ilana Manspeizer, Seth Ness, Chris
   Newport, Daniel Nomy, Jennifer Paquette, Andrew Poe, Alan Pfeffer,
   Jason Pyeron, Adam Reed, Seth Rosenthall, JudithSeid@aol.com, David

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