|
|
| Home > Religion > judaism > FAQ > |
soc.culture.jewish FAQ: Jewish Childrearing Related Questions (12/12) |
Section 1 of 4 - Prev - Next
All sections - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
Archive-name: judaism/FAQ/12-Kids
Soc-culture-jewish-archive-name: faq.12-Kids
Posting-Frequency: Monthly
Frequently Asked Questions on Soc.Culture.Jewish
Part 12: Jewish Childrearing Related Questions
[Last Change: $Date: 1996/04/10 18:08:37 $ $Revision: 1.7 $]
[Last Post: Sun Feb 8 11:07:17 US/Pacific 2004]
The FAQ is a collection of documents that is an attempt to answer
questions that are continually asked on the soc.culture.jewish family
of newsgroups. It was written by cooperating laypeople from the
various Judaic movements. You should not make any assumption as to
accuracy and/or authoritativeness of the answers provided herein. In
all cases, it is always best to consult a competent authority--your
local rabbi is a good place to start.
[2][Got Questions?] Hopefully, the FAQ will provide the answer to your
questions. If it doesn't, please drop Email to
[3]questions@scjfaq.org. The FAQ maintainer will endeavor to direct
your query to an appropriate individual that can answer it. If you
would like to be part of the group to which the maintainer directs
questions, please drop a note to the FAQ maintainer at
[4]maintainer@scjfaq.org.
The deceased sages described within are of blessed memory, (assume a
Z"L or ZT"L after their names) and the sages alive today should live
to see long and good days (assume SHLITA). May Hashem grant complete
recovery to the ill. Individual honorifics are omitted.
The FAQ was produced by a committee and is a cooperative work. The
contributors never standardized on transliteration scheme from Hebrew,
Aramaic, Yiddish, or Ladino to English. As a result, the same original
word might appear with a variety of spellings. This is complicated by
the fact that there are regional variations in the pronunciation of
Hebrew. In some places, the common spelling variations are mentioned;
in others--not. We hope that this is not too confusing.
In general, throughout this FAQ, North American (US/Canada) terms are
used to refer to the movements of Judaism. Outside of North American,
Reform is Progressive or Liberal Judaism; Conservative is Masorti or
Neolog, and Orthodoxy is often just "Judaism". Even with this, there
are differences in practice, position, and ritual between US/Canada
Reform and other progressive/liberal movements (such as UK
Progressive/ Liberal), and between US/Canada Conservative and the
conservative/Masorti movement elsewhere. Where appropriate, these
differences will be highlighted.
The goal of the FAQ is to present a balanced view of Judaism; where a
response is applicable to a particular movement only, this will be
noted. Unless otherwise noted or implied by the text, all responses
reflect the traditional viewpoint.
This list should be used in conjunction with the Soc.Culture.Jewish
[5]reading lists. Similar questions can be found in the books
referenced in those lists.
There are also numerous other Jewish FAQs available on the Internet
that are not part of the SCJ FAQ/RL suite. An index to these may be
found at [6]www.scjfaq.org/otherfaqs.html
This FAQ is a volunteer effort. If you wish to support the maintenance
of the FAQ, please see [7]Section 20, Question 99 for more
information.
Special Introduction to the Jewish Childrearing Portion of the FAQ
This FAQ is intended to serve two newsgroups: soc.culture.jewish and
soc.culture.jewish.parenting. The latter group will recieve only the
Jewish Childrearing Portion of the FAQ. Readers with non-childrearing
questions about Judaism should consult the first part of the
[2]soc.culture.jewish FAQ, available at [3]http://www.scjfaq.org/faq/.
Answers to general childrearing questions may be found in the
[4]misc.kids.info FAQs, posted on a regular basis to misc.kids.info.
Reproduction of this posting for commercial use is subject to
restriction. See Part 1 for more details.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: ORGANIZATION
This portion of the FAQ contains answers to the following questions:
Section 21. Jewish Childrearing Related Questions
* [8]Introduction to the Jewish Childrearing FAQ
1. Entering the Covenant
1. [9]What is circumcision?
2. [10]Why are Jewish boys circumcised?
3. [11]Who performs the circumcision?
4. [12]When is the circumcision done?
5. [13]But doesn't it hurt?
6. [14]But shouldn't the child make its own decision?
7. [15]But circumcision is only required for boys. What about
girls?
8. [16]What are our options for welcoming our new baby girl?
9. [17]Can we hold a welcoming ceremony on the 8th day for a
girl?
10. [18]What is a pidyon haben?
11. [19]When is a pidyon haben required?
12. [20]What about babies who are stillborn or die shortly after
birth with respect to pidyon haben?
13. [21]What about an adopted child?
14. [22]Does Judaism have a tradition of Godparents?
15. [23]Is Circumcision required for a boy to be Jewish?
2. Naming
1. [24]What are the Ashkenazi customs regarding the naming of
children?
2. [25]But my grandmother was named (insert old-fashioned out of
use name here? No one uses that name today? How do I name
after that relative?
3. [26]Is it appropriate to name a child after a relative of the
opposite sex?
4. [27]Is it appropriate for multiple children (i.e. cousins) to
be named after the same relative?
5. [28]My spouse has a living relative with the same name as my
deceased relative. Can we name our children after my
relative?
6. [29]What are the Sephardi customs regarding the naming of
children?
7. [30]What about babies who are stillborn or die shortly after
birth?
8. [31]Are there any distinctly non-Jewish names?
3. Playtime
1. [32]Can I let my kid swim on Shabbat?
2. [33]Can I let my kid play in the sandbox on Shabbat?
3. [34]Can children play sports such as Soccer on Shabbat?
4. [35]What is appropriate dress for swimming?
5. [36]Can my kid play with Playdough during Pesach?
4. Eating
1. [37]Where can I find kosher baby food?
2. [38]Where can I find kosher for passover baby food?
5. Holidays
1. [39]What are good activities for children for the major
Jewish holidays?
6. Schooling
1. [40]How do I determine the right type of religious program:
day school vs. afterschool?
2. [41]How are teachers in Chasidic schools trained?
7. B'nai Mitzvah
1. [42]What is a bar/bat mitzvah?
2. [43]What's a good gift for a b'nai mitzvah?
3. [44]What is appropriate dress to wear to the b'nai mitzvah
ceremony?
4. [45]What are the characteristics of a good b'nai mitzvah
program?
5. [46]How do I select a good b'nai mitzvah tutor?
6. [47]I need to speak at my child's bar/bat mitzvah? What do I
say?
8. Other childhood lifecycle rituals
1. [48]I've heard of a ceremony called "Consecration". What is
it?
2. [49]I've heard of a ceremony called "Confirmation". What is
it?
3. [50]What is Upsherin? I know it relates to the cutting of the
hair of boys at age 3, but tell me more.
4. [51]I've been invited to a Bat Barakah. What is it?
9. Coping with other religions
1. [52]My child says all of his friends have Christmas Trees,
and he wants one too. What do I say?
2. [53]My child's non-Jewish grandparents have asked her to help
trim the tree. What do I do?
3. [54]My child has been invited to an Easter Egg roll? What do
I do?
4. [55]My child has been invited to the Easter Egg roll on the
White House lawn? What do I do?
10. Growing Older
1. [56]My child wants to start dating? How do I ensure proper
behavior?
2. [57]My child wants a tattoo. What forms of body modification
are allowed? Tattoos? Earrings?
3. [58]When do I need to start worrying about issues of modesty?
11. Resource References
1. [59]I need some information on Jewish Genetic Diseases. Where
do I start?
2. [60]Are there any recommended online resources on Jewish
Childrearing or specifically for Jewish children?
* [61]Special Credits for the Jewish Childrearing FAQ
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.1: Entering the Covenant: What is circumcision?
Answer:
Circumcision is the removal of the foreskin of the penis.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.2: Entering the Covenant: Why are Jewish boys
circumcised?
Answer:
The rite of circumcision is one of the most ancient practices of
Judaism. The commandment to circumcise male children was given to
Abraham in the Torah (Genesis 17:7-14) [English translation from 1917
JPS Tanach]:
And G-d said unto Abraham: 'And as for thee, thou shalt keep My
covenant, thou, and thy seed after thee throughout their
generations. This is My covenant, which ye shall keep, between Me
and you and thy seed after thee: every male among you shall be
circumcised. And ye shall be circumcised in the flesh of your
foreskin; and it shall be a token of a covenant betwixt Me and you.
And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every
male throughout your generations, he that is born in the house, or
bought with money of any foreigner, that is not of thy seed. He
that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money,
must needs be circumcised; and My covenant shall be in your flesh
for an everlasting covenant. And the uncircumcised male who is not
circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin, that should shall be cut
off from his people; he hath broken My covenant.
It is repeated in the Torah in Leviticus 12:3, and has remained
throughout history as one of the most important commandments. It has
already led to martyrdom in Maccabean times (I Macc. 1:48,60).
Circumcision is (in general) a common denominator among movements:
Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist, Orthodox--all circumcise
their male children and require male converts to undergo some form of
circumcision.
Furthermore, faith is the only reason that Jews should circumcise
their male children. In Moreh Nevuchim (Guide for the Pereplexed),
chapter 49, the Rambam says: "No one, however, should circumcise
himself or his son for any other reason than pure faith; for
circumcision is not like an incision on the leg or a burn on the arm,
but a very difficult operation."
Current medical fashions play no role in circumcision, as it is a
religous rite to Jews. Thus, it is pointless to attempt to argue for
or against circumcision from a basis of medical need.
As said in the Reform Responsa addressing circumcision: "Circumcision
remains for us an essential sign of the covenant. We have affirmed it
since the days of Abraham, our Father, and continue to affirm it".
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.3: Entering the Covenant: Who performs the
circumcision?
Answer:
Although some modern Reform Jews use medical doctors to perform the
circumcision, this is not the traditional method. Traditionally, the
male infants are circumcised in the home or the shul on the eighth day
after birth, surrounded by family and friends, and held by the sandek
(an adult being honored by the parents, often a grandfather). The
infant is given a little wine, and the ritual is performed by a
specially trained Mohel, whose sole function is to perform
circumcisions.
Traditionally, the father is supposed to perform the Brit. As most
fathers do not have the appropriate training, a Mohel performs the
Brit. It is customary, that if possible, a Mohel will perform his
first Brit on his own son - under the supervision of an experienced
accredited Mohel (his teacher).
Note that Mohelim are not unique to the more traditional Orthodox
movement. The Reform and Conservative movements also train and
accredit Mohelim; often, the Mohel is a practicing M.D. (For example,
Dr. Samuel Kunin (a Reform Mohel in Los Angeles CA) and Dr. Robert
Lewis (a Conservative Mohel in Columbus OH) are practicing
urologists).
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.4: Entering the Covenant: When is the circumcision
done?
Answer:
The circumcision is done the eighth day after birth, unless ill health
or serious medical problems prevent it. Even Shabbat does not stop a
Bris. If such a child is not circumcised, he is nevertheless
considered a Jew [San. 44a; Hoffmann, Melamed Leho-il, Yoreh De-a,
#79]. However, if there are no medical contraindications (e.g.
hemophilia), it is incumbent for the individual to arrange for their
circumcision when medically safe to do so.
There are quite a few customs associated with circumcisions:
* In the Ashkenazi community, on the Shabbat night (Friday night)
prior to the Brit, the community comes to the home of the newborn
to welcome him with singing and thanksgiving to Hashem on his
birth, and a small meal is served including chickpeas (ar'bes).
These are served as a sign of mourning: the child mourns that the
angel caused him to forget everything he learned in his mother's
womb (just one explanation of many for this custom of eating
chickpeas).
* In Sephardi communities, the night before the Brit is called the
night of "Brit Yitzchak" and the community and family gather to
learn the "Zohar" together, to sing special songs and have a
dinner. In many places people from the community and family get
together and study all night not only on the night before the
brit, but also during the preceding week.
* The greeting said to the newborn when brought to his bris is
"baruch haba"--blessed be the one who is arriving. It's a very old
greeting, dating back to the workhands' reply to Boaz when he
greets them in Ruth. The origin is probably a blessing God
promises the Jewish people if they observe the Torah (Deut 28:6).
"Blessed you shall be when you come, blessed you shall be when you
go." It is part of a general covenant about getting the land of
Israel, listing blessings and curses that will visit the land and
the Jewish people depending upon their observance.
* One does not issue invitations to a brit. This is because it is a
mitzvah to attend a brit, and one tries as hard as possible to not
refuse the opportunity to do a mitzvah. If you are invited and
refuse, you run into this problem. If however, you are only
informed of it, you have not been formally invited and circumvent
the problem. Furthermore, since Eliyahu (the Prophet) will attend
(the chair in which the holder of the baby sits is called
Eliyahu's Chair), it is impossible to refuse an invitation.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.5: Entering the Covenant: But doesn't it
[circumcision] hurt?
Answer:
The requirement is that it be done at the eighth day. The Rambam (just
beyond the section previously quoted) says that earlier the baby is
too tender and later the father might not be able to bring himself to
do it. Some doctors have said that after, the baby develops too much
and would actually be a more serious matter.
With adults, the question is different. After the eighth day the
nervous system becomes more developed (especially after puberty). For
adults, a local anesthetic is used (often a mixture of lidocain and
prilocaine). It is spread on the area, some time is allowed to pass,
and the procedure is performed with no pain.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.6: Entering the Covenant: But shouldn't the child make
its own decision [regarding circumcision]?
Answer:
Parents routinely make many decisions for their children; bringing a
child up to practice a religion is only one of many such.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.7: Entering the Covenant: But circumcision is only
required for boys. What about girls?
Answer:
Judaism does not practice female circumcision. However, there are many
traditions that have arise related to the birth of a girl:
* Commonly, girls are welcomed into the convanent through a naming
ceremony, held in the synagogue.
* Among Bucharan Jews when the father of the newborn girl is called
to the Torah for the naming the congregation sing the song "Dror
Ykra L'ven im Bat" in which each line ends with the word "bat".
After the reading of the portion and the naming, candies are
showered on the father and the congregation calls "Mazal Tov".
* Many Sephardim have a party where they repeat the naming. A Cohen
is invited and he holds the baby and blesses her with the "Birkat
Cohanim". Fruit which Israel was blessed for them are served, and
the Rabbi of the community holds the baby girl on his knees and
says the words from the Song of Songs "Yonati Bechagvei Haselah"
(2:14): The ceremony is called "Zeved Ha'bat". The word Zeved
means gift and comes from Berayshit 30:20 where Leah said at the
birth of Zevulun "Hashem gave me a good present" and then she gave
birth to Dina.
The more liberal movements have developed other ceremonies. There is
[5]an excellent book on the subject by Anita Diamant. Another good
reference is Lifecycles Volume 1 : Jewish Women on Life Passages and
Personal Milestones, which includes material from Reform,
Conservative, Orthodox and Reconstructionist contributors. It was
edited by Debra Orenstein, and is available from Jewish Lights
Publications in Vermont.
The Simchat Bat/ Brit Bat / Brit HaHayim is increasingly appearing in
Modern Orthodoxy has well. A Simchat Bat ceremony is now in the
Rabbinical Council of America's [Orthodox] Rabbi's manual. This
ceremony is based on traditional Jewish forms.
The Rabbinical Assembly [Conservative] has included the Simchat Bat
rite in its new rabbi's manual. As the ceremony is still evolving, the
RA's manual presents, within a common religious ceremony, three
options that parents may choose to perform: (A) Lighting seven candles
(symbolizing the seven days of creation) and holding the baby towards
them; (B) Wrapping the baby in the four corners of a tallit; (C)
Lifting the baby and touching her hands to a Torah scroll. A detailed
article on this topic can be found at:
[6]http://www.bnaibrith.org/ijm/articles/thnkhvn/.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.8: Entering the Covenant: What are our options for
welcoming our new baby girl?
Answer:
A number of options are available. Traditionally, a baby girl is named
the first time the father attends synagogue after the birth. In some
communities, the mother recites a blessing of gratitude for her health
and well-being after childbirth; and the father is called to the
Torah. In other communities, there are more elaborate ceremonies. In
the Sephardi communities of Turkey and the Balkans, infants are
clothed in elaborate dress and jewelry. The ceremony has no fixed
date, but is usually held sometime between seven and thirty days after
birth, and is conducted by a rabbi, usually at home but sometimes in
the synagogue. Several central Asian Jewish communities celebrate the
first time an infant girl is laid in her cradle. In Bokhara, for
example, small children are called to participate in snatching away
the sweet treats that have been placed around the baby in the cradle.
In the Bene Israel community in India, the naming ceremony usually
takes place on the twelfth day after a girl is born. Held in the home,
the ritual is intended primarily for the women and children of the
family. A special new garment is sewn for the child, and her cradle,
decorated with flowers and colored paper, is placed in the middle of
the house. Cooked chickpeas, peeled pieces of coconut, and cookies are
arranged along the inner edges of the cradle. In the Yishuv HaYashan
(the community of Ashkenazic Jews who settled in Jerusalem beginning
in 1811), the celebration took place on the eighth day, and the baby
girl's ears were pierced. [Thanks to [5]http://www.mispacha.org/ for
the information about ceremonies in other communities.]
In liberal congregations, a number of new ceremonies have been
developed to symbolically parallel the brit ceremony; these new
ceremonies serve to welcome the infant into the convenant of Judaism.
There are a number of approaches to these berit ceremonies. Some are
based on the ceremonial washing of the infant's feet, based on Sarah
washing the feet of Abraham. Others involve the use of seven
blessings, paralleling the seven blessings of the wedding ceremony. A
good source of ideas for such ceremonies is Anita Diamant's [6]The New
Jewish Baby Book: Names, Ceremonies & Customs, A Guide For Today's
Families; another is Zeved HaBat by Aryeh Cohen (ISBN 965-264-049-2).
These ceremonies usually take place in the home, anywhere between 7
days and 30 days after the birth of the daughter. In Israel, they are
often held in a hall, as the whole family and most of the community is
invited. There is often a public naming at the synagogue approximately
30 days after the birth of the infant.
In terms of other resources for such ceremonies, the following have
been suggested. If you are aware of others to add to this list, please
let the FAQ maintainer know.
* The Women's League for Conservative Judaism puts out a whole
package of information on the Simchat Bat ceremony. Contact them
at: 48 E. 74th St., NY, NY 10021; 800/628-5083, 212/628-1600 or
fax 212/772-3507. There is a charge for the package.
* The ceremony the FAQ maintainer used for his daughter, Erin, is
available through the autoretriever in PostScript format. To
receive a uuencoded zip of the ceremony, send the command "send
infofiles liturgy/britbat.uue" to [7]archives@mljewish.org. You
can do this through the web by visiting
[8]http://www.mljewish.org/bin/mrj.if-reqform.cgi.
* Zeved HaBat, by Aryeh Cohen. ISBN 965-264-049-2.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.9: Entering the Covenant: Can we hold a welcoming
ceremony on the 8th day for a girl?
Answer:
Traditionally, when a baby girl is born, the father notifies the
synagogue officials of her arrival and of his plans to have her named
at a service. Though the baby is not brought to the service, the child
is named in the synagogue during the reading of the Torah on the
Shabbat, Monday, or Thursday immediately following her birth.
Sometimes the date is postponed so that the mother may be present.
Typically, the father is also honored with an aliyah.
The Conservative movement has no rule on whether or not the 8th day is
a necessary day to hold the ceremony on for girls. The Conservative
movement does encourage parents to hold a Simchat Bat for baby girls,
and to view it as having the same importance as a Brit Milah for boys
(see Moreh Derekh: The Rabbinical Assembly Rabbi's Manual"). More info
is available from: "Jewish baby law"
([5]http://www.uscj.org/scripts/uscj/paper/Article.asp?ArticleID=271)
However, just because there is nothing "official" doesn't mean you
can't use an established welcoming ceremony or create your own at any
time. Baby girls are just as welcome in Jewish tradition as boys are,
and there are marvellous ways, in every denomination, of showing them
they are equally loved.
Note: The Reform movement has a number of ceremonies written and
available through the Reform rabbinate; UAHC publishes Bat Brit
certificates.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Question 21.1.10: Entering the Covenant: What is a pidyon haben?
Answer:
Pidyon ha-ben is a ceremony that recognizes the first born male child
(to be specific, the first born male child that was born naturally).
The ceremony arose due to the special status of the firstborn in
biblical society. The firstborn received a double portion of his
father's estate; the last plague in Egypt killed the firstborn--except
for the firstborn of Israel. Traditionally, the firstborn of Israel
were consecrated to service to G-d. The bible commands "sanctify unto
Me all the first-born (Exodus 13:1). This has been interpreted to mean
that a father was either to dedicate his first-born son to the service
of the Holy Temple, or to redeem him by paying five schkels
(approximately five dollars) to a kohen. Noet that this ceremony does
not apply when either the father or the mother is of a priestly or
Levite family.
The Pidyon haben ceremony takes place on the thirty-first day after
birth. For the occasion, a kohen is specially invited to the house.
The baby is placed on a cushion, and in the presence of assembled
friends and family, placed on a table. Five silver dollars are laid
beside him. In the presence of those assembled, an ancient dialoge
takes place betwen the father and the kohen. Sometimes there are
additional English readings, and some ceremonies include participation
by the mother. The kohen usually gives the "redemption money" to
tzedahkah.
What do you do if five silver dollars are not available? In the days
that the Torah was given, the only significance to a coin was that
someone attested that it contained a known weight of whatever metal in
question. Thus, any other object of acceptable weight and purity would
be acceptable (for example, solid silver utensils, such as teaspoons).
A typical estimate for the weight of a shekel is 11.4 grams, the
Chazon Ish (a large estimate) has 16.92 grams. You would need to
consult an appropriate authority with respect to purity.
Pidyon haben is observed in traditional communities, and in the
Conservative community. It tends not to be observed in Reform
movement.
Why must the first-born be redeemed? The first-born has a significant
history in early Judaism:
* After Cain was born, we're told that Eve gave birth to "Abel his
brother". Why does Eve define her second child as the first one's
brother and not a person in his own right? And look how well that
turned out!
* We then get to Isaac and Ishma'el, where history sides with the
younger. Similarly, we see this with Jacob and Esau.
* First-born issues then cause all that strife between Joseph and
his brothers (except Benjamin).
* Next comes Moses and Aaron (and to some extent Miriam), where
Aaron bows out to give his younger brother the prominent role.
After we're introduced to Moses and Aaron, we have the plague of
the death of the firstborn. The Jewish firstborn were saved
because of the Pascal offering. (Those families where it was
performed.)
Why is the bechorah (first-born-ness) idea so central that the Torah
continually returns to it throughout the first book and a half?
Perhaps because Israel is repeatedly called "my child, my firstborn,
Israel". Without first drawing a clear definition of the role of the
first-born, we don't have a clear idea of our national mission.
In Galachah there are actually two kinds of firstborn. It would seem
that one is a physical primacy, the other a religious one. The
father's firstborn is the primary inheritor. He gets twofold the
inheritance of the other brothers. Tribal affiliation, which for all
the tribes but Levi is tied to the ancestral land, is also
patrilineal. The mother's firstborn is the one who require's pidyon,
even if the father had children from another marriage first.
Also, membership in the Jewish people is traditionally matrlineal (and
is still considered so by the Orthodox and Conservative movements, and
by most Reform movements outside the US). The mother's firstborn is
naturally the one to reinforce the religious instruction. It was the
Egyptian firstborns' failing in this role that made them fitting
victims of the plague. Not to mention the punishment being in kind for
the killing of G-d's "firstborn", the Jewish people.
Had there been no history, they would have been the nation's priests
and (for want of a better word) levites. Just as Israel is called a
"kingdom of priests" -- which explains the "firstborn" metaphor.
However, after the golden calf, the majority of the nation was no
longer trusted to maintain the religion on their own. Only the tribe
of Levi, who did not participate, were fitting to carry that torch.
So, they were not given an ancestral territory, and instead given
tithes that they could live of off. This frees them up to pursue roles
Section 1 of 4 - Prev - Next
All sections - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
| Back to category FAQ - Use Smart Search |
| Home - Smart Search - About the project - Feedback |
© allanswers.org | Terms of use